Now and Always

I want to tell a shameful story, about my daughter's life.

Sarah got married yesterday, and baptized. Both made us so full of JOY at God's working that we couldn't hardly contain it !!

Sarah is a rebel. She's my examplar of rebellion. When she was 3, she brought home her pre-school report-card, and we read it eagerly. One of the items the toddlers were "graded on" was "Follows Directions." Sarah's very perceptive teacher had checked the "Yes" box next to it...and written out to the side, "IF she agrees with them."

Rebellion.

She lived a rebel from the time she was 13 or 14: every bad choice, she chose. We feared for her safety, her sanity, her life, her happiness, her body, soul and spirit: especially since we knew it was ALL available to her in Jesus Christ, any time she WOULD.

It didn't seem that time would ever be. She was raised by believers, in church, in Sunday School: but she WOULD not. And any mention of her spiritual choice usually caused her rebellious anger to flare up at us.

One of the most terrifying dreams I ever had was about her. Set on the street where I had lived as a kid, I dreamed that a carfull of people who wanted to kidnap and harm her: sex-slavery, murder, it wasn't clear: were prowling the street. I saw her playing across the street, and tried to cry out a warning to her. She didn't seem to hear me (or wouldn't hear me) as they stopped to talk to her: and she WILLINGLY got into the car with them. I chased the car, but it sped away and I was left knowing there was nothing I could do to find and rescue her.

The dream scared me so deeply I woke up in panic: so deeply that one time when we were talking and she seemed more receptive than usual, I told her what I'd dreamed. It affected her enough that she cried a tear or two at the moment: but I didn't notice any change afterwards.

Many times she would talk more with her mother than with me, and her mother would share that with me when we talked about Sarah's life. Once her mother told me somewhat-comforting news. Sarah had seemed receptive and the conversation wound that way, so my wife urged her to find a "good church" where her spiritual needs would be ministered to. Sarah had said (not flippantly) that she expected she'd "go to church a lot" some day. As vague and superficial a possible intent as it might be, that was one of the few causes we had for hope, for many years.

One time I so despaired, of her and her brother both, that I fiercely prayed God would lead them through whatever hard experiences He knew they needed in order to really "GET it." It may not have been a completely wise prayer: you ordinarily don't want your kids to go through hard experiences. At the time, it seemed the only possible hope for one who went willingly with destroyers.

God is faithful. He answered that prayer (even if unwise), and other prayers, and not my prayers only. He IS as He says...faithful in mercy to a thousand generations of those who love Him. Today...having learned better to love Him...I might be inclined to pray to love Him still more...and less about people (even the most-closely loved people of our human lives) and circumstances.

Here's the shameful part. As wayward as she was at the time, my daughter understood at some level that God had His hand on her for good...at a time I who believe, was despairing. While I was suffering terror that her life was lost, she knew in some sense that she would "go to church a lot some day."

Today JOY overflows that God has been faithful to make that day today. Our continuing joy is that His faithfulness never ends: that day is ALWAYS.

Today is encompassed in His "always"...as is every yesterday. I'm chagrined I believed so little in His faithfulness even as I prayed: and "GOT" His everlasting mercy so little, even as I prayed it for Sarah and her brother.

Live and learn: and "...to live is Christ..."

Amen !!